The conversation went on for a long time and does not likely have a value in repeating as I like this person very much and felt very touched that they wanted to help. Names were dropped, in a very unselfconscious fashion, which forced me to think, can I front it out with such people, and be a splendid self-believing compulsive achiever. I felt a combination of bumbling fool, plain excited, and concerned about my working relationship with James and William. If I throw the weight of major ambitions behind Mission to Lars then it becomes a bigger and more brutal organism than the sweet journey we initially forsaw. The sweet journey which it was, admittedly very occasionally, will be lost in any attempt to make a majorly marketable product.
So much argument is inherent in a collaboration, even of this size, and I have always been a highly confrontation averse person. The reason we argued a lot on the trip was not just the pressure of the whole situation, it was also down to mistrust, nerves and poor communication around each other, aka, my poor people skills. I assume feelings like this exist on big projects of any nature, unless we're talking the Disney version of business where everyone drinks coffee and eats biscuits and says, "Great" a lot. I suppose I need to fight on and not shrink away from wrestling out the small print and big ideas alike.
My heart's not in telling the truth in this blog so I am going to stop. It's all looking a bit opaque, and dull. I'm sure what I am really trying to say will surface more clearly at a later date.
Onwards and upwards, much to look forward to this year. Like, umm, my tax return and the spot on my chin getting smaller.
Should get my tests back soon to see if I am a premutation F-X carrier. Which will inspire a lot more focussed thought. We talked a lot about this over Christmas, about all the symptoms F-X carriers display and the family members who may have displayed them. (An awful lot of it was piss taking and general shouty bossiness along the lines of, "No, you are definitely a depressive, I know you are," when someone says they're not. And things like, "Well, maybe she was just like that and it had nothing to do with the F-X". Or, "loads of people are like that, its not necessarily an F-X thing", basically your typical evasive, avoidance rich, science lite, family discussion. No one in the family seems that keen on talking at length or depth though. That's how families get by, isn't it. God, imagine if a family was like group therapy. Erk to the power of 10. Orphan me, now!